Thursday, June 28, 2012

Free steam treatments every day this summer!

I have a love-hate relationship with my office's toilet. There are qualities about it that endear it to me and others that are a bit disturbing. 

My office toilet is a 5-gallon toilet (please don't tell the government...but if you do, use my porn name when you report me: Snap Pinedale). I love 5-gallon toilets because you can flush a cat down one without it clogging, while a square of 1-ply in a 1.6-gallon* will have you writing a $120 check to Roto-Rooter. So, score one in the love column for my office toilet. However, the love ends right there.

To be fair to the office toilet, the reasons I hate it are not its fault. It is but a vessel for, a mere messenger of, the environment in which it is forced to exist. That environment being hell on Earth, aka Phoenix in the summer. For those who have not lived here or visited during the summer (hotels don't have to stay at someone's house), you may not be aware that the water coming out of the tap is approximately 200 degrees, give or take. So, instead of doing what normal people the tap until the water gets warm, we run the tap until the water is just below scalding temperature before washing our hands or getting in the shower. This concept, however, does not apply to the office toilet. The water in the office toilet just comes out hot as hell. So today, because of some bad etiquette on the part of my office buddy, I had to flush the toilet before using it. This resulted in me receiving, for free, what people probably pay big bucks for in a spa situation: a purifying butt steam. Yes indeedy, gentle waves of steam condensed on my ass while I sat on the toilet. It was strange and unpleasant. However, I think as a business scheme, this could take off in much the same way having small fish eat dead skin off your feet has in the mani-pedi business...

*As I think of the 1.6-gallon toilet, I would be remiss in not taking this opportunity to let you know that I have solved two of the world's most frustrating and significant problems (one of which is the 1.6-gallon toilet situation) for which I have received no notoriety or compensation. However, if you would like to send me money, please contact me at Anyway...

1) I know where the missing socks are! They have not been eaten by a sock monster or stolen during the night by elves. They are UNDER the dryer.

2) I know how to keep a 1.6-gallon toilet from clogging! Hold the HANDLE down until everything is flushed. It really works!

Not only is this blog somewhat bitter and potentially a little's helpful!

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