Yes, it is all so clear now. Teenage hatred of parents drives them to do crazy things...like eat a pint of Haagen Dazs (while screaming at the rest of the family for being fat* and spewing anti-fast food rhetoric**), telling your mother to "fucking shut up" in a restaurant because her voice is so irritating, and telling her that 5 days a week of Zumba for the past two months hasn't made a bit of difference and she is as fat as ever.
This is the joyous and wonderful child I have raised (along with my husband, who I blame for pretty much everything that is going wrong with these children).
Why am I such a loathsome parent? Because I have done the following (these are the biggies and I'm sure there are more I haven't heard about yet): 1) I have called for a mostly electronics-free summer (everyone gets 30 minutes a day to check e-mail, Facebook, etc.); 2) I am moving 50% of all pay earned into a savings account for the future; 3) my husband and I have asked the child to consider ways to help pay for college; 4) she has not been provided with a new car; 5) we have not purchased her an iPhone; and 6) I have not been a real mom who takes her shopping for clothes and makeup (because, apparently, this is what truly caring mothers do...in addition to providing luxury vehicles and a full complement of Apple products).
The piece of shit moms who don't give a crap about their kids are the ones attempting to limit media, insisting on saving for the future and asking kids to take action in planning for one of the largest commitments of their young lives. That would be me. I'm that mom.
As far as the college thing goes, last night we took child #2 out to dinner to attempt to discuss the next few years. We thought taking the wild animal out of the cage into a more public environment might be a smart move, as public scrutiny of any crazy behavior might have a chilling effect. Um...no. While we attempted to discuss her plans in terms of starting to look for and apply for academic scholarships (as she is an all-honors student), the real possibilities of a sports scholarship, looking into other options such as the military, taking a year off to work (perhaps on a cruise ship or in some other job where you can see a bit more of the world), attending community college for the first two years, we heard the things you always hope your baby will grow up and say:
"If I have to pay for college, I'm not going."
"I don't value my eduction enough to have to work and pay for it."
"I'm going to do Herbalife. So and so is getting a seven-figure check this year."
"I'm not working next summer. I'm taking the summer off to hang out with my friends."
"You don't need to save for your retirement, you need to pay for all of my college."
"Fucking shut up Mom. Your voice is so irritating."
After hearing all these endearing and downright brilliant retorts, she announced that she could not be in the same car as us and proceeded to walk home from the restaurant two miles from the house. I'm just grateful we chose a restaurant relatively close to the house. My husband had to trail her to keep her from being raped or kidnapped. As child #2 will tell you, we do live in the wrong zip code in a shack.
*As far as the fat comment goes, only two of us actually qualify. The majority of the family is not fat. I think child #2's apparent body dismorphic disorder applies to those around her, not her.
**I find anti-fast food rhetoric distasteful and unfortunate. I love fast food and I normally will not stand by while people put it down. However, because I live in mortal fear of child #2, I kept my mouth shut.